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Reflections
20 most recent entries

Date:2007-08-14 20:55
Subject:Open Question
Security:Public

What dream or ambition would you like to fulfill?
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Date:2007-08-12 15:41
Subject:Strange Dreams
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Snday is the day of naps and I had a doozy.
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Date:2007-08-05 12:47
Subject:Shuffle your player and find your themes...
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Opening Credits:-
Flight of the Bumblebee - 5 Browns - well, birds and bees is how we all got here...

Waking Up:
Return to Me - Jennifer Knapp

First Day At School:
Chatananooga Choo Choo - Maxwell Orchestra. mmmmhmmm - now if I have to ask my students where my room is, well, that's a problem. Though, with the zoo I will have the melody is kinda accurate.

Falling In Love:
What's Your Name? - Fats Waller

Fight Song:
One O'Clock Jump - Airforce Airmen of Note. Well, the title is good, but the song is alittle carefree...wonder how that would work on the field of battle...

Breaking Up:
Nothing is Impossible - Jennifer Knapp

Prom:
Why Don't you Do Right? - Benny G. Oh, so fitting, tell ya the story later.

Life:
America - Rag Time. This is the intro song for the immagrants, sung in many different languages as they enter America through Ellis Island with grand fanfare. Mostly Yiddish. I like it but it is short.

Mental Breakdown:
Between You and Me - Relient K (D.C.Talk remix)"wrestling with my conscious" lots o drums and electric guitars.

Driving:
That Old Black Magic - Airforce. Well that would describe the tarmak. And the tune is ultimately drivable.

Flashback:
Sing, Sing, Sing - Benny G. ROFL Wheeeeee! I have interactive flashbacks

Getting back together:
Lonely Street - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Though, the saxaphone is kinda seductive, sigh, we can work with that.

Wedding:
Diamond in the Rough - Jennifer Knapp.

Birth of Child:
Shiny Stockings - Airforce. This is a stroll - it sounds very 1950s, if it is this easy I might have 12!

Final Battle:
The Sorcerers Apprentice - very apropo.

Death Scene:
A Lovely Way to Spend an Evening - Sinatra *murphelled giggle*

Funeral Song:
Handful of Keys-Fats Waller Apparently my funeral will be rushed and pretty happy - huh?

End Credits:
On the Sunny Side of the Street - BBC Big Band. Indeed, very happy :)

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Date:2007-07-31 21:20
Subject:My first newspaper comes tomorrow...
Security:Public
Mood: hopeful

I feel much better.
I have a sofa.
Well, I don't feel better for the having the sofa, but it is icing.
I am trying to figure out if the difference between DSL and Broad band and weather I want DSL and phone for 32 or BB for 24.
I will also make my first reg. rent check out tomorrow.
Yipee.
But most of all, I am better because I was reminded who I am.
And that dreams don't always die with time.
Now if I could only center my dreams, ideals, and identity - well, I now believe I can.
This season is almost done, and another is beginning.
Now to hang the new frames on the wall...

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Date:2007-06-04 14:00
Subject:How am I supposed to feel?
Security:Public

Ok, so after 5 months I am so sick of this I am just going to write it on livejournal and hope that someone out there can point me in the direction of hope.AAAAAA.

So I finally figured out a few things - and I am not happy about it. The last guy around my age who let me wear his cross totally betrayed everything the cross stands for. Since then I have not worn one. But I have been looking for an antithesis to restabalize my conception: a guy around my age who wears a cross, pays a little bit of attention to me, can explain why he does wear one, and at least acts like he means it. I'm not looking for a significant other, I just want to find someone who can sit down and explain to me why they wear it and how they are integrating it into their life. And how dance is integrated as well, because I need help with that and I think the best help would come from someone who dances, an insider. If that person does not exist I will give up dance. I don't know what would take its place though and I am scared to just drop it and end up with a vacuum. I don't do well with vacuums. So I have looked at all the guys who wear crosses at dance; some of them don't give a damn about what it means and it seems like some do. And so I have picked out a likely person who would be able to answer my question with legitimacy but I haven't been able to gather the courage to do it. So I'm back to being a coward. During this time I have been approached by a couple creeps, and dealing with that makes me feel sick. I question if dancing is an obsession, if I am presenting myself in a ladylike manner or not, if I encourage that kind of treatment. Re/ the creeps, I informed a couple good leads and my brother who took care of part of it last week. I talked with one of the good leads, a good dancer in his 40s who works at Northside Church - very intelligent and good conversation. We had a long chat at an afterparty one night and I thought that was good. There goes the dang trust again; no cross, but smart musical church guy used to ministry who talks a good game. So now, he wants to dance with me all the time. I'm not keen since I like to spread out my attention. And then was last night. Carpool to Tampa Dance with 3 nice Christian leads I know. One of them is the guy who wears the cross. But he is being very melancholy and taciturn, I guess it is because I might have taken the place of his main squeeze in the car, but I had accepted the carpool from one of the other guys. He used to smile but he doesn't smile at me any more. It is the distance routine that I know from my prom. I shouldn't be there, and do not intend to be again. So I am the third wheel and there is no appropriate time to ask the questions, or I am a coward and just want to go to the dance to have fun - keep some meaning in my life. He swears a couple times in passing, and I'm like "crap" is there noone I can talk to who has any legitimacy whatsoever? We get to the dance and are having a good time. I've worn this outfit to 3 other dances. it is a longer full skirt with sequins so I have tested it out, considered it appropriately weighted, and elegantly ladylike - and had this confirmed by multiple people. Last night the 40 something confirmed that again. And yeah, I had the classic skirt tucked in the panties incedent after coming from the restroom. But that is when I started noticing things. It was one of the girls who informed me, not any of the watching guys. The guys heard people talking behind my back but did nothing. I sat out 2 songs as is appropriate, but was so hopped up on adreneline and epinephrine that I happily laughed it off and was back on the dance floor to finish out the night. We drove back to UCF and I switched cars. Only then did one of the guys go over and mention that I might need longer shorts. So for 4 hours, no one had said anything. And the 40 something had danced with me the most and kept commenting on the skirt. I CAN do something about that! I could go to Walmart (Ive done that before). I could have watched myself and put the brakes on some of the moves, or used my free hand to maintain modest dancing behaviour. I COULD have been content to sit out and talk and just enjoy watching others. But they all let me just go. Like I knew what I was doing and didn't care. Like I was some kind of dance whore. I then remembered that when I went to the Friday dance, the 40 something had been a little friendly - I had worn an 80s inspired outfit that got rave reviews; a blousy long sleevless with a little skirt top, and thick black leggings with heels. Again, hopped up on adreneline and epinephrine I plonked the liberty with my knee down to "hi, you look nice". Idiot. I thought that if I was just able to defend myself, you know, beat someone up who didn't treat me like a lady, I would redeem respect. But the people who I wanted to respect were the ones with the most responsibility, and only one of them let me in on the thing that was a mystery to me. I do not need attention that badly. And one of the leads I wanted to trust is now on the creep list. How do I beat up the people I know, and want to trust? So I now feel like crap. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be a dance whore, but I love the dance so much. I know that dance is just for a season. I know that it is just a place holder until I can fulfill my destiny in the lord. I feel like dirt. What do I do?

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Date:2007-05-28 21:19
Subject:I haven't a friend to share.... um, thing to wear
Security:Public

Have you ever gotten to a place when you just want to talk and an appropriate person is difficult to determine? I have come to think WHO you talk to is just as important as HOW you phrase it. And you just need to talk, almost as bad as one just neeeeeeeding to go... And now for the gross analogy (sigh) don't read on if you are squeamish.

I mean talk and poop have things in common. Where you deposit is important so as not to be rude, crude, or downright unhealthy. When you actually engage in forming the "ehem" phrases the process produces something that is visually distinct from yourself and classifiable and analyzable instead of something that just churns around in your insides with no distinguishable shape of its own. And of course, the "consecration" to the external swirling reality of the finished product results in less stomach knotting and quite a relief. It also provides space to move forward onto more issues or at least desert. Sure talking can be just alot of crap, but, honestly, you don't really know until you "release it into the wild". It might be a golden egg. Of course, with those you really don't want to flush. Not only will you lose something preciouse, you just might clog up the drain.

So, moral of the metaphore? Be a consiensous pooper, and look before you flush.

And I still haven't found the right person to talk to (at this rate, I probably won't anytime soon what with my anti-social insights... sigh... ) yet. Makes me nostalgic for the times when I was in contact with a "significant other": all purpose talking on almost every subject (save one or two) readily available and infinitely comforting. And one or two actually put up with my penchant for "novel" metaphore. Well, there's always the swirling impersonal miasma of the public cyberways. Not entirely personal, but very accepting and able to balance fecal distributions.

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Date:2007-05-10 01:14
Subject:yay
Security:Public

I am happy :)

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Date:2007-05-07 22:25
Subject:I'm special darn it!
Security:Public

That was my job! That was my dance partner!
And it is MAY! MAY MAY MAY MAY MAY!
Frustration levels just transcended the neat little waffle squares of the compartments of my life.
MAY!
May I ... Simon says... Do this, do that. And you are not in control. You MAY do or you MAY not do. But Things MAY not fall.
Ah yes, what is MAY usually the month of? Graduation. I don't have one.
Really, it is the month of expectations. Other people's. Yours.
I forgot.
Expectations. For idealists, this is not a tranquil month.
MAY is also a month of "MINE"s.
This is MINE, That will be MINE, MINE is better than Yours, lets take MINE camping.
MAY is SUPPOSED to be a month of FULFILLMENT.
So what happens if you forget the Expectations, and Fulfillment? You get jealous and frustrated easily.
At least if you are me. I need some grapefruit juice and a swift knock on the block. Maybe then I MAY get over it.

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Date:2007-04-17 07:32
Subject:sick
Security:Public

sick sick sick - Katie is sick
with aches in the muscles,joints, bones
with eye-balls like marbles
and a pain brain that garbles
and with hot and cold flashes
and health coverage lackses
She will sleep and hope nobody phones

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Date:2007-04-08 18:15
Subject:Why do you seek the living among the dead?
Security:Public
Mood: happy

Happy Easter everybody!

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Date:2007-04-05 00:41
Subject:deedle deedle dum
Security:Public

I'm posting later and later, and my good friend Encyclopedia Brown is comming tomorrow. YAY!! Happy talkies the beach and low phone bills.

I have desided not to dance on Holy Week and have hobled myself to achieve that end. All the better to deside what to do with my pending obsession after Holy Week, my pretty. I like doing orders for the Catholic channel - I get to look at art (mostly bad art) and have some new insights on Marian obsessions. But now, on to 4 hours of heaven or dispel.

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Date:2007-04-03 23:58
Subject:aaaa
Security:Public

I feel like a Neo-Victorian Failure!!

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Date:2007-04-03 00:00
Subject:I'm American as...
Security:Public

Celebrity Look Alike - big picture
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Date:2007-03-27 22:35
Subject:guy quest or quest for my inner guy
Security:Public

50 girly manly questions...answer them with the truth.

What color is your car?
Red with a manly grey leather wheel cover, arrr

Do you bathe everyday?
Bathing is for pansies! I slap water at myself if I have to. Next thing you ask me if I use a louffa.

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Date:2007-03-25 16:58
Subject:just thought I'd post something
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Date:2007-03-15 15:15
Subject:Interesting if a guy would repost it...
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50 girl questions...answer them with the truth.

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Date:2007-03-05 13:50
Subject:I am getting the impresion people don't like me
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Date:2007-03-04 15:32
Subject:Is doing surveys on facebook, myspace, and lj overly narcissistic?
Security:Public

1. Who is the next person you'll hold hands with?
The next lead *grin*

2. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Aaaaa, turn off the hypno box!!!

3. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
He he he...

4. What did you do today?
Well, technically I was dancing til 2 ish, hung out with Chris, Joseph, and Meagan in the middle of a street, arrived home at 3ish sans hallucinations (yipeee!), played around with my computer til 5:30ish cuz I couldn't sleep, got up at 10:30, watered, hoovered, dusted, laundered, washed, yarded, and cleaned, went back to the 'puter and found the song I heard last night I really liked and uploaded it. Next I will be eating, finishing the cleaning up, stopping by the evening service, then picking up my folks from the airport. Happy sigh :)

5. Do you think you're old?
"Old" is a relative term - must be used in comparison to something and I like to specify what aspect of that something is under scrutiny... Me? Relatively no :)

6. How fast can you type?
52 wpm on a clip

8. Eye color?
Blue rimmed blue

9. Do you like your life right now?
It's all right, though it could do with some improvements :)

11. Do you knock on wood?
In order to gain access to a room not my own...

12. Are you drinking anything right now?
does spit count?

13. Do you have good vision?
no is an understatement

14. Can you hula hoop?
You bet your multicolored hollow plastic rings I can ;)

15. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I could and I have - of course that does not nullify the consequences.

16. What are you thinking about right now?
"I was made to love you" by Toby Mac, the ethics of grade forgiveness, what I actually do when my students cheat, what I should do when students cheat, the different types of cheating (relationship, assessment, cheating self, stealing, theological definitions, etc.), how forgiveness is a choice, wondering if forgiveness necessarily alleviates some consequences and which ones, and that my feet are dirty and it is cold in here

17. A movie you watched when you were little.
Dark Chrystal. Freaked me out totally, I feel there is something very very wrong with that movie. Little kids should not have to see it, its kind of a catalyst for warpation of ones mind.

18. What song's in your head right now?
"I was made to love you" by Toby Mac

19. What are you doing this weekend?
you mean did... dance, sleep, get up eat, work, dance, clean, to to service, drive, more clean up, sleep.

20. Plans for today?
see previous answer

21. What's your middle name and why?
That, dear friend, is confidential. But you can guess if you want to ;)

22. Name some places you've gone to?
Major ones? USA, Mexico, Canada, England, Scotland, Germany, Italy, France, Austria, State of Insanity, Virtual Reality (i.e. Internet), and My Happy Place

23. When was the last time you told someone "I love you"?
On the phone last night

24. How are you feeling today?
Chilly

25. Are you Mexican, Black, White, or Indecisive?
Ok, is this race or ethnicity? Ethnicity I like Military Brat or TCK, though racialy I'm Caucasian

26. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
The school has not puked me out yet ;)

27.Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yuppers

28. What's for lunch?
Whatever I make - that reminds me, I have to take out the trash as well...

29. Have you ever eaten cat food?
Noo, but I'd like to try it!

30. Can you handle the truth?
I think that is one of the better things I am good at :D

31. What did you do yesterday?
Saturday: dance sleep relax eat work drive dance :)

32. Buy anything lately?
Oh yeah. Entry into the dance(s), food, dress, shoes, pictures, frames, paper, gift certificates...

33. Any cool scars?
It is kind of faded without a tan, but I was stung by a jellyfish and came out with a scar that looks like a heart on my ankle

34. How many kids do you plan on having?
I'm not hungry right now, but thanks for offering.

35. Do you want to get married?
To whom is the question...

36. How often do you talk on the phone?
Quite often

37. Do you talk to yourself?
Most of the time, and I do have some pretty good conversations :)

38. Is there something you want that you can't have?
...yep, but I don't really dwell on wishful thinking that much.

39. Name three things about the opposite sex that you first notice.
Form, symbols, language

40. How do you feel about the word wawa?
Wawa is an excellent convenience store in Virginia - they have the best made to order deli sandwiches EVER!!!!! I have happy memories of Williamsburg attached to the word :)

41. Who did you last hug?
Chris at Rollins - he's just so huggable ;)

42. Name a fault.
San Andreas

43. What was the last thing you ate?
Caramel rice cake

44. Mood?
Groovy

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Date:2007-03-01 07:54
Subject:10 years
Security:Public

This skips ALOT of what I've done, and where I've lived sigh.

Body: 10 years ago

1.) How old were you? 14

2.) Where did you go to school? Down the street - Jefferson Jr. High

3.)Where did you work? I studied

4.) Where did you live? Merritt Island FL

5.) Where did you hang out? um, hang out? only at First Baptist MI

6.) Did you wear glasses? yeah, big ol' ones

7.) Who was your best friend? Rebecca

8.) How many tattoos did you have? 0

9.) How many piercings did you have? 0

10.) What car did you drive? Miniture yellow bug

11.) Had you been to a real party? define real...

12.) Had your heart broken? not yet... hadn't had it requested

13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Single

----------------5 years ago----------------------
What was skipped: San Antionio, High School, Moving Back.

1.)How old were you? 19

2.) Where did you go to school? Stetson

3.) Where did you work? Protocol and Sir Walter's Uniforms

4.) Where did you live? Deland, FL

5.) Where did you hang out? Wesley House, GK House, Digi Lab, IHOP, etc.

6.) Did you wear glasses? Cute smaller glasses

7.) Who were your best friends? many of y'all :)

8.) Who was your crush? The Legendary MacNelley

9.) How many tattoos did you have? 0

10.) How many piercings did you have? 0

11.) Had you been to a real party? You betcha! Spirit Drenched Celebration here I come :)

11) What car did you drive? 1996 Ford Escort

12.) Had you had your heart broken? No, I'd had some crushes not come through but that is just a bit of disapointment and betrayal - not broken.

13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Single, enforced

14.) Any kids? No

**FEBRUARY 2007**
What was skipped: College, Grad School 1, Grad School 2, Virginia and UK, moving back.

1.) How old are you? 24

2.) Where do you work? Brevard County - all over ;)

3.) Where do you live? Merritt Island, FL

4.) Do you wear glasses? Teacher type yes

5.) Where did you hang out? wherever my swing dancing crew is

5.) Who are your best friends? Mary Alice, the Dennisi, among others

7.) How many piercings do you have? 0

8.) How many tattoos? 0

9.)What kind of car do you drive? 1999 Red Aspire

10.) Has your heart been broken? Yes

11.) Had you been to a real party? Definately! Revivals, Balls, and Dances :)

11.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter? single, quite

12.) Any kids? nope, the ones at school don't count ;)

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Date:2007-02-22 21:30
Subject:Soundy Music
Security:Public

If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
Remember, don't cheat!

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...


Opening Credits:
"Am I in Sync?" (about college)

Waking Up:
"Romans" Jennifer Knapp ("Just when I've think I've got it/its gone...")

First Day At School:
"The Way I Am" Jennifer Knapp

Falling In Love:
"Whole Again" Jennifer Knapp

Fight Song:
"April in Paris" (What?!?!? Maybe WWII... eh)

Breaking Up:
"Undo Me" [demo version] Jennifer Knapp

Prom:
"These Ordinary Days" Jars of Clay (hmmm, I love the song, and maybe I like formality in ordinary things too, but this is a very informal song...)

Life:
"Return to Me" [demo version] Jennifer Knapp

Mental Breakdown:
"Jesus Freak" 4th Avenue Jones (mental breakdowns can be good (!!!) because sometimes things must be broken to get fixed *grin* - if people think I'm strange/does that make me a stranger)

Driving:
Clarinetitis - Ken Burns Jazz

Flashback:
Jeep Jockey Jump - The United states Airforce Airmen of Note

Wedding:
"Let my life be like a Love Song" - Nigel Briggs

Birth of Child:
Lifeboat - Steve Taylor

Final Battle:
Don't be That Way - Benny Goodman

Death Scene:
Merceaux de Fantiasie, Opus 3, Eligie - The 5 Browns (Apropo tis an eligie, though tis rather long...)

Funeral Song:
"Breathe on Me" Jennifer Knapp [... empty sheet, borrowed grave/salvation/come freedom come...]

End Credit:
Stardust - Micheal Maxwell and His Orquestra (Nice bluesey song and time for LOTS of credits :)

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