white_iris_down (white_iris_down) wrote,


I feel like a Neo-Victorian Failure!!

I play piano, dance, have an appropriatly feminine career, can embody rennaissance values, emphasis in religious purity and chastity, classic blue eyes/long blonde hair, appropriate language and accent, the highest education, a 1950s figure, perfer heals to sneakers, am able to mold myself to compliment your every expectation, am more than open to differentiated gender roles, have been told I am a perfect girlfriend at least once, can converse with peasants and kings, have been told my appropriate adjective is "ellegant", have a decent sence of humor, and make an AMAZING apple pie!!
And I failed to procure an MRS degree of the choicest specimens IN THE WORLD!!!!

What is WRONG with me!?!? Tonight I feel like I should have been able to land a 'permanent' from Cambridge, and that I didn't means I failed at the University opportunity of a lifetime.

What? Is it the freckles? The fundamentalist ideals? The asking of too many questions? The annoying STILL dependence upon parents? These are symptoms of the traditional ideal (except the freckles). THe symbol fits me but I don't fit the symbol. THe flaming potatoes are NOT my fault! Cambridge is traditional to the hilt - but does that mean as part of the identity - I should fulfill the tradition of going to Uni to get a guy?!? Am I back to Middle School social status symbols?

All I ever wanted to be was an Ideal, an ultimate Symbol. Timeless, Identifiable, Inspirational, Archetypical, the Message of a Higher Significance, Catalyst of Learning and Communication. Everybody else wants love or belonging or a career. I didn't prioritize Love until I was told to persue it first. Love was an easy answer. You didn't have to think about prioritizing Love, if you were everybody else. Nobody looked at you strangely if you said Love. God is Love, don't you just Love God?!?! I always thought love was for sentamentalists and Lennon to call "the most important" and yeah, Christ put a wrench in that idea for me - I have to deal with that so don't judge me too quickly. I always hoped to belong but that was secondary to Being, and I know the margins, they are old friends. I fell into my passion for my career, but I have always known school so how could I not be affected by that socialization/apprenticeship? Nobody wants to be a Symbol. So how can they know what it is like to believe you, as a symbol, are cracked? Existential crisis till you get back on narative, and find the way you can be Symbolic. If you're not Symbolic you're not significant. If you're not significant, you are dross. If you are dross, you might as well place all your hopes on "love" and daisies cuz that is socially acceptable and more likely to get you belonging and 'understanding' you can't get even though you lable yourself by your job... like everybody else who don't think and will fade into the crowd at sundown.

So what does this all make me? A misplaced metaphore? I hate finding out I'm human. I never asked to be human. I don't want to be human unless it's the only way to be truly and complexly Symbolic. Why can't I be a metaphore? or a flag? or something that fulfills the ideal and actually gets the Neo-Victorian symbology right? Or someone could give me a hint and pass me the syllabus for that MRS degree because I've had a bait and switch on my rubric.
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