white_iris_down (white_iris_down) wrote,

How am I supposed to feel?

Ok, so after 5 months I am so sick of this I am just going to write it on livejournal and hope that someone out there can point me in the direction of hope.AAAAAA.

So I finally figured out a few things - and I am not happy about it. The last guy around my age who let me wear his cross totally betrayed everything the cross stands for. Since then I have not worn one. But I have been looking for an antithesis to restabalize my conception: a guy around my age who wears a cross, pays a little bit of attention to me, can explain why he does wear one, and at least acts like he means it. I'm not looking for a significant other, I just want to find someone who can sit down and explain to me why they wear it and how they are integrating it into their life. And how dance is integrated as well, because I need help with that and I think the best help would come from someone who dances, an insider. If that person does not exist I will give up dance. I don't know what would take its place though and I am scared to just drop it and end up with a vacuum. I don't do well with vacuums. So I have looked at all the guys who wear crosses at dance; some of them don't give a damn about what it means and it seems like some do. And so I have picked out a likely person who would be able to answer my question with legitimacy but I haven't been able to gather the courage to do it. So I'm back to being a coward. During this time I have been approached by a couple creeps, and dealing with that makes me feel sick. I question if dancing is an obsession, if I am presenting myself in a ladylike manner or not, if I encourage that kind of treatment. Re/ the creeps, I informed a couple good leads and my brother who took care of part of it last week. I talked with one of the good leads, a good dancer in his 40s who works at Northside Church - very intelligent and good conversation. We had a long chat at an afterparty one night and I thought that was good. There goes the dang trust again; no cross, but smart musical church guy used to ministry who talks a good game. So now, he wants to dance with me all the time. I'm not keen since I like to spread out my attention. And then was last night. Carpool to Tampa Dance with 3 nice Christian leads I know. One of them is the guy who wears the cross. But he is being very melancholy and taciturn, I guess it is because I might have taken the place of his main squeeze in the car, but I had accepted the carpool from one of the other guys. He used to smile but he doesn't smile at me any more. It is the distance routine that I know from my prom. I shouldn't be there, and do not intend to be again. So I am the third wheel and there is no appropriate time to ask the questions, or I am a coward and just want to go to the dance to have fun - keep some meaning in my life. He swears a couple times in passing, and I'm like "crap" is there noone I can talk to who has any legitimacy whatsoever? We get to the dance and are having a good time. I've worn this outfit to 3 other dances. it is a longer full skirt with sequins so I have tested it out, considered it appropriately weighted, and elegantly ladylike - and had this confirmed by multiple people. Last night the 40 something confirmed that again. And yeah, I had the classic skirt tucked in the panties incedent after coming from the restroom. But that is when I started noticing things. It was one of the girls who informed me, not any of the watching guys. The guys heard people talking behind my back but did nothing. I sat out 2 songs as is appropriate, but was so hopped up on adreneline and epinephrine that I happily laughed it off and was back on the dance floor to finish out the night. We drove back to UCF and I switched cars. Only then did one of the guys go over and mention that I might need longer shorts. So for 4 hours, no one had said anything. And the 40 something had danced with me the most and kept commenting on the skirt. I CAN do something about that! I could go to Walmart (Ive done that before). I could have watched myself and put the brakes on some of the moves, or used my free hand to maintain modest dancing behaviour. I COULD have been content to sit out and talk and just enjoy watching others. But they all let me just go. Like I knew what I was doing and didn't care. Like I was some kind of dance whore. I then remembered that when I went to the Friday dance, the 40 something had been a little friendly - I had worn an 80s inspired outfit that got rave reviews; a blousy long sleevless with a little skirt top, and thick black leggings with heels. Again, hopped up on adreneline and epinephrine I plonked the liberty with my knee down to "hi, you look nice". Idiot. I thought that if I was just able to defend myself, you know, beat someone up who didn't treat me like a lady, I would redeem respect. But the people who I wanted to respect were the ones with the most responsibility, and only one of them let me in on the thing that was a mystery to me. I do not need attention that badly. And one of the leads I wanted to trust is now on the creep list. How do I beat up the people I know, and want to trust? So I now feel like crap. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be a dance whore, but I love the dance so much. I know that dance is just for a season. I know that it is just a place holder until I can fulfill my destiny in the lord. I feel like dirt. What do I do?
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